In many ways, the practice of networking is a lot like fire. Under controlled circumstances, it can be life-giving and life-saving. It holds civilization together and we’ve relied on it since paleolithic times. But just like fire, the act of deliberate networking can easily slide out of our control and become a destructive force.

Real, effective networking happens every day in unstructured environments. It happens at parties and baby showers, on long plane rides, and every time one person politely holds an elevator open for another. When people know each other, they tend to help each other move forward. And the most beneficial connections are best forged in natural social settings.

And yet, twisting every friendly encounter into a networking event, as we’ve all seen, can backfire. Socially awkward behavior tends to run counter to effective contact-building. So how can we tame this miracle of human nature and bend it to our advantage without letting it harm us? Here are a few helpful tips.

On the outside, settle down.

There’s a correlation between social magnetism and calm. Those who fluster easily are hard to predict and hard to get close to. So don’t be overwhelmed by the stakes. Never scramble, raise your voice, or lose sight of your dignity. Don’t give in to desperation or neediness. Enjoy the party. Relax.

On the inside, wake up.

Settle down during social events, but don’t tune out. On the inside, keep moving and stay sharp. Remember names using whatever pneumonic device you prefer, and keep your ears open. Pay attention to who knows who. Most important, stay alert to what people want and need. The best way to get someone to help you is by helping her first, so listen closely, and when you have something to offer, offer it. Follow through.

Get moving and don’t overthink.

People often miss networking opportunities because they fail to pick up the phone and actively reach out. There’s a reason why we don’t do this: It’s scary. Cold calling is intrusive, rude and wrong. But it’s also welcome, flattering, and enjoyable. You can either drive yourself mad trying to reconcile these two truths, or you can stop overthinking, put a pin in your shyness, pick up the phone, and act. 

Show up.

A certain social event might sound dreadful in every way, but if you’ve been invited, go. You never know what might happen. Life is full of adventure and opportunity. 

Forgive yourself.

So you said something dumb. It’s not the end of the world. If your remarks were truly hurtful or thoughtless, apologize and make things right. But if you just told a lame joke, bounce back. Don’t let it undermine your confidence. For additional tips on networking, building contacts, and making the most of social events, contact the experts at RPC.